I've inwardly had a few choice words for people after some thoughtless comments made to me about my experience, and lately, these other pregnant women have voiced some of theirs on Facebook or to me directly. I don't want to use this blog as a forum for complaints, so I'm not going to. Rather, I'm using it as a soapbox to announce the appropriate things to say to pregnant women.
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| Almost 26 weeks! |
"Your belly is huge" I know you mean this as some sort of commentary on what gender of baby I'm carrying, but please. I am fully aware of how large my belly is. I am the one that dresses myself each day after all, standing in my closet just hoping something will fit, let alone look nice/ be appropriate for the occasion. I'm the one rolling off the couch now instead of quickly standing up like I used to. I'm the one that can't bend over and pick something off the floor or paint my toes. Those (and many other) tasks have to be modified to account for my baby bump. So, whether or not it's a boy or girl isn't really that exciting when you comment on how enormous I'm getting.
"You're carrying all over" This one is even worse. In the same vein as the above point, this one is meant to determine what gender you're carrying. Those Old Wives Tales are fun, friends, but they are total nonsense. NONSENSE. I did a bunch and it's an even split of boy or girl for me. So, the fact that not only my belly is huge, but my face is puffy, my arms are morphing into walrus fins and my ankles are showing signs of swelling is not helpful.
"You're only ____ weeks? I thought you were further along! You have a LONG WAY to go yet." Yet another brilliant comment about my size. I get it. No need to say it. And yes, I have another trimester to go....and I'm due in the hottest month of the year. So just shut it.
"You look tired." This is a slap in the face regardless of maternal status. It's a polite and subtle way of saying you look awful. Since we're talking pregnancy, why yes, I AM TIRED. I'm working all day and because of my obviously giant belly, I'm not sleeping very comfortably. I'm also growing a human so it's amazing I even have the energy to simply smile and say, "I am" when confronted with this statement. And, in response to my polite, "I am," please don't say, "it's not going to get any better once the baby comes" Oh, it's not? I thought the babies were born sleeping through the night and with the knowledge to raise themselves. I know. I'm never going to be the same level of rested again. Actually, at this point in my pregnancy, I feel really great-- my energy level is high and there are days when I feel more attractive than ever. I know... weird. It's a thing though because other women have told me about their experience. So, please don't tell me how awful I look. It's discouraging.
"Your body will never be the same." Well your mouth will never possess tactful words. That's just plain rude and you know it.
There are things happening to a pregnant woman's body that are completely out of her control. She could eat healthy, exercise as directed and get plenty of rest and some things just can't be helped. UNDERSTAND THIS, PLEASE. As much as she's trying to stay fit while pregnant, some women just grow differently. Pregnancy is a beautiful, miraculous, amazing experience no matter what. Please don't discourage that awesomeness with your rudeness.
Any question at all about the personal details of the pregnancy/birth plan she and her partner have decided upon. (*disclaimer: this doesn't apply to care providers of any kind, obviously, or immediate family in my case. If my mother or sisters have questions, I'll answer them.) You guys, this is personal information about her body. It's not your business if she has stretch marks. It's not your business what position she's planning to give birth in. When it comes close to delivery, don't ask her if she's dilated. If it has to do with her BODY, it's. not. your. business. She doesn't ask you any personal questions about your annual physical or your colonoscopy. It's medical information that's none of her business. Now, some people may feel perfectly comfortable sharing that information. I'm not. It's personal. Unless she offers it up, please don't ask.
The best story I heard of this is a friend that recently had her third baby. A co-worker asked her from across the lobby (she works at a credit union) how effaced she was. My friend marched over to her and said in what I can imagine to be a kind, but assertive voice, "The only thing you need to know is that I'm still pregnant." I feel like this is the perfect response to this situation.
Here are a few examples of positive and helpful things you can say to a pregnant woman, if you feel compelled to talk only about her pregnancy. Obviously, don't say these things if you don't believe they are true. Don't patronize her and lie.
1. Pregnancy looks good on you.
2. You look great! You can also use words like beautiful, stunning, and pretty....we won't be mad about it.
3. I can't believe you're already ___ weeks along! Time flies! Are you excited?
4. You're all belly. (This is helpful because no matter how she's carrying the baby, she feels like a cow. If she's all belly, that's better than how she really feels!)
5. You look great! (I know I write that twice, but it really is the best thing to say.)
Every mom is different, just like every pregnancy is different. Some people will feel fine fielding these types of comments, but in general, I'd say stay away from any negative editorial comments. It's really not helpful or nice. Pregnant women are dealing with a lot of change at once; in their bodies, with their hormones, not to mention all the lifestyle changes that are happening/will happen when the baby comes. On top of that, we ARE tired and there is a lot on our plates. Please know that even while she may take those comments in stride, they can be hurtful and might cause her unnecessary stress. Just be kind!
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