BIG changes.

I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. Consistency clearly isn't my thing, y'all. Almost every ambitious goal I made publicly on this blog for my 30th birthday crashed and burned.

But, they crashed for a great reason. At this time last year, I was almost through my first trimester of my pregnancy with my first baby. In July, we welcomed our son, Silas, into the world. With a new baby comes a new way of thinking, a new way of communicating and a completely new way of life. For our house, it also means some big changes in our work lives.

After nearly three years at my job (at the best company in the world), I've decided to leave. The decision hasn't been easy... big decisions rarely are. Of course, I didn't just wake up one day and decide to stay home with Silas. There were several other factors contributing to it, but at the end of the day, I'm replaceable at work and I'm not replaceable to my sweet boy. That's the bottom line.

In the wake of this decision that I began to make over a year ago when a few things changed at work, I was scared to death. How would we make ends meet? What if I have to go back to work and I have this gaping hole in my resume and no one will want to hire me? Would I lose my identity and "just be a mom" or become some frumpy dump shadow of the productive, bubbly person I one was? I can't tell you the tears I cried over leaving this company.

The people in my company are wonderful. The people in my office specifically are truly amazing. Mostly men, they have taken me under their wings and shown me how real Christian men live their lives. They have seen me become a wife and mother. They grieved with me as I lost two grandparents. These men became my brothers, uncles and surrogate fathers. Coming from a hostile work environment before this, I can recognize how rare this company is. A true gem. Finding that at any time again in the future will be impossible. As I broke the news to the people in my office, ALL of them were supportive and understanding. They will miss me, but they get it. They see the value in supporting family goals over professional ones. These people are really the cream of the crop.

BUT-- my son is my responsibility. He's my ultimate work and it's my job (and my husband's, of course) to make sure he grows up to love God, to be respectful, to have manners and to listen and obey. I can't wait to be his momma all the time. I don't have to rush around in the morning to get both of us ready, brave whatever stupid Iowa weather is awaiting us, deal with morning traffic and drop him at daycare. Then deal with rush hour traffic on the way home, pick him up and then get MAYBE an hour with him before he goes to bed. I'm ready for all of that to be done.

So now you ask, what will I be doing? Well let me tell ya, GOD PROVIDES. As decisions were being made and I slowly started to tell my friends and family, I explained my trepidation to a few of them. To be clear, I actually couldn't tell some people that I was leaving without crying, so it was obvious how scared I was about the move. Sure about it, but scared to death. (Note: It's EXACTLY how I felt when I moved to North Carolina when I was 24. Except I was 24, single, childless and could fit my life into a Kia Spectra. This time was a little different). Anyway, a few friends have entrusted me to help with their businesses. I'll be working two part time jobs in addition to being home with Silas and a friend's baby. I am SO HUMBLED by the path God has led us down as a result of leaving work!

I don't want to be viewed as "just a stay at home mom." I want purpose. I want people to view me doing something worthwhile. In fact, the stigma is already showing. Several people, when they ask with excitement what my next step is, totally check out when I tell them I'll be working from home with Silas. Their eyes glaze over. They ask no clarifying questions because it's not interesting; no one cares. If I were leaving to go to another company, it would be, "what will you be doing?" or, "tell me more about it!" In this situation, they assume I'll be watching awful daytime TV in yoga pants covered in spit up. And you know what? That's okay. Let 'em think that.

I don't know that any of this will work. I don't know that I'll love being home every day. Really, who loves EVERY day of their job? No one. But, my family will be in a great place as a family. I can follow some dreams I've had for some time and work to make them a reality. If at the end of the day it doesn't work, then at least I will have tried. As it turns out, I HAVE purpose and my work is MORE than worthwhile.